The same unproductive thoughts over and over and over. This is what the end of senior year is living up to. Politics, unjust jobs at the mall, propaganda, community service, test grades, bullshit. “Where do I fit in all of that?”

..Although I become a little more liberal everyday; I have an irrational fear of change in my own life . I can’t seem to break the surface on anything that’s actually happening to me. I have a huge need to be involved, to feel like I’m useful. When combined with being judgmental and slightly self-loathing, it’s not easy to find what a way to achieve this goal of involvement. Maybe sports teams or being the bottom link of a bureaucracy isn’t for me. But what else is out there?

This fear, causes me to want to loose track of everyone around me and shed my skin. Be unrecognizable, yet self-fulfilled. I need to feel like I am doing something with my life, teaching people and learning. I’ve gotten over my fear of ‘trying new things’ but I can’t shake the fear of others judging me, comparing the old me to the new. The only way to avoid it, is to find new people completely  ?

Even with all of these new optimistic goals, nothing can be accomplished right now. I’m running out of patience waiting for clubs, intermurals, study groups, themed parties.. Where does the ocean meet the waves? High tide must come, not everything can hold on. What will be left?

All kinds of adults, can’t even remember high school. They say it might seem like it’s forever, but it’s a small part of life. I think I took this the wrong way, although it is a small part of life, it is still my life right now. No matter how much I pretend it’s not. There isn’t much left that’s able to be salvaged, I hope I can learn to find the good things in every stage. Because when you look too much to the future there is no present.