August 2011
1 post
Guts
I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel completely alone.
I have given up on making friends, being happy, finding a career. No one calls me or texts or facebooks or tries to make conversation when they are not getting paid to be a close vicinity to me.
A few weeks ago I explained by lack of feelings/desires to someone and they told me I might as well just kill myself. Those...
May 2011
1 post
It's 2 am., I must be lonely.
Reasons why my life sucks: +College shit: Fucking local women’s college.
-I have no major, and plenty of student loans.
-I am stuck at the college I’m at, and it still kinda sucks, espeically for something so expensive, and better yet for somewhere which so many of my “young adult” years will be spent at.
+Job shit: My retail dreams have come true, I work at the...
April 2011
5 posts
Hobby.
I want to have a studio with power tools, paints, stains, various chemicals, and space. I want to use materials found in dumpsters, thrift shops, and other secondhand sources. Make other things out of these objects. Then sell them online or to venders. Things like ashtrays, bookends, cabinets, shelves, etc.
fml.
I know no one makes it in the performing arts world, or really even the art world, without massive amounts of confidence. Whether it’s a subtle stable look in their eyes or a bold stance. Confidence is absolutely key. That being said, I do not believe someone who is about to be 19 who hasn’t danced in years really has any business thinking about a career as a performer.
Sure it sounds...
The easiest answer.
First of all, a pocket notebook sounds like a wonderful idea. There is no way this blog post could be as productive and meaningful as it would have been 3 hours ago. A pocket notebook could serve a thought page holder.
Now for the less-amazing post:
Going to the theatre is always a hot and cold experience. By definition theatre evokes emotions, usually with an upbeat style, with an attempt at...
Note to Self.
Do not stay at Disney for forever, remember children-friendly things will get old if dealt with every single day.
Stumbler Found Blog Repost
“Look at you. You’re young. And you’re scared. Why are you so scared? Stop being paralyzed. Stop swallowing your words. Stop caring what other people think. Wear what you want. Say what you want. Listen to the music you want to listen to. Play it loud as fuck and dance to it. Go out for a drive at midnight and forget that you have school the next day. Stop waiting for Friday. Live now. Do it now....
March 2011
2 posts
Advanced Placement.
Have you ever gotten above a hundred percent on a test?
Have your teachers ever addressed the class with skepticism and worry about their students not being able to understand the material, but added an afterthought that they weren’t talking about all of their students. And you know they aren’t talking to you, not because of their smirk directly at you and a few others, but because...
a lack of color
Views of college during high school went a little something like: this magical place which in four years manages to teach you how to make it in the ‘real world’ while showing you which path is best for you, who to take it with, and which lasting memories to never forget.
College views from 3/4ths of the first year looks a little something like: a let down. Everyday seems to be a...
January 2011
3 posts
roomhate.
If I have to spend one more night with my roommate and her boyfriend, at least, one of use three will surely be sleeping outside. Never have I been more excited to inflict a college rule: “no guests for more than three nights, for more than twice a month.” Thank. you.
Un-tied. Untied.
Fuck Sunday nights.
I have a lot of loose ends. A lot of stuff on my plate, weight on my chest. In order to move on with two jobs and seven classes the pressure has got to go. Forgiveness, mistake, sorry, yes, and no are words which have found their way into my vocbularly. I’m moving through the dead space and stale air, and taking some advice from T. Swift to ‘speak now’.
All...
December 2010
2 posts
Break! Think fast.
Go, planned play.
Beyond needed can’t describe this break between semesters. Be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it. :)
Absolutely fantastic, hanging out with friends. Having friends again! Working way too much. Not setting for someone just to fill a spot. Better than I could have asked for, or imagined.
Hopefully, this everything goodness will cont. to next semester,...
October 2010
11 posts
In Other News
College update:
Today for the first time ever, other than maybe when I first arrived, I finally felt the feeling that college might be the best time of my life. Thanks to a room in a basement of a housing building.
Also I have a life plan, not a major of the week, not anything fleeting. It was like a movie how it all came together. I literally have a piece of paper that tells me my life for the...
Mellow Out.
“Well my heart is bigger than the earth And though life is what gave it love first Life is not all that it’s worth ‘Cause life is fleeting Yeah, but I love you And my love surrounds you like an ether In everything that you do But if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own.
Well if you are (what you love) And you do (what you love) I will always be...
here & now.
I find beauty occasionally, usually not in people. When I do find beauty, in a person, its hard to forget. I know I will wonder and worry and dream until I say what I mean, which is simply:
I am here (on this campus). And you are here. I don’t know where I’ll be when I’m not here. I really don’t know where you’re going to be when you’re not here. I’d...
Like Lookalikes
dearoldlove:
Please keep dating girls who look like me. It boosts my self esteem.
Incompatible Crazies
dearoldlove:
It’s too bad we’re two very incompatible types of crazy, otherwise we’d be perfect together.
Not Thinking
dearoldlove:
Not thinking about you is wearing me out.
Taylor Understands
dearoldlove:
I never understood the big deal about Taylor Swift, but after you cheated on me, she was the only one who understood.
“there is so much to look forward to romantically… provided you don’t look back”
– unknown (via dech)
Don't You Want to Share the Guilt?
Wants:
knowledge
-good grades
dance routines
-stretching
clubs
-a good resume
family
new music
old music
stories
cute outfits
Pacsun employees
alone time
Someone who can give:
physical attention
warmth
reliability
independence
smiles and stolen glances
stories
ideas
beauty
a challenge
honesty
mystery
Little Poems
dearoldlove:
I wish I had told you how much I loved your little poems.
September 2010
5 posts
“More and more, it feels like I’m doing a really bad impersonation of myself.” -Chuck Palahniuk
I Hate Seagulls.
The things I honestly want:
Time to study.
Time to dance.
To figure out what the hell clubs I want to join in order to built my resume.
To remember to contact my family often.
Time to listen to music.
Time to do reading not for class.
Time to watch: gLee, Project Runway, Grey’s Anatomy.
Time to stretch.
Time to pick out cute outfits.
To go to work.
To feel alone.
Yet also:
...
Who's to say?
College, college is.. a small change. The same patterns, thoughts, people with different names and faces. For the most part that is.
Staying true to my lovestorybrain that’s the only thing worth writing about here. It’s often easy to know who you don’t want. But what to do with the people you do want? In my experience you need to act like you’ve had it in order to get it....
Clean breaks..?
I didn’t want it to mean that much to me.
Because really I didn’t enter this with the intent of finding a forever. In the course of things, they change. When something stays consistent when it was the only thing you thought for sure would change, it creates an amazing ecstasy. Although that rekindle doesn’t last forever. We we are always looking for bigger and better, when that...
you've got this silly way..
So sick, so sick of being tired. And oh so tired of being sick. So sick of setting bad examples, listen chick I’ve had all I can handle…
Is it possible for the honeymoon phase to never end? Why does it go away, is it the foxes that just keep hounding, until something gives and breaks and cracks and dyes? I don’t want to spend my time living in the past, but what if that’s...
May 2010
2 posts
"It's because we aspire to bigger things"
One of the only things right now that is inspiring right now is exactly what I don’t want to be happening. Taking up my time, some of my money, a little bit of everything. If someone can still be around when I have the worst attitude ever about relationships, it has to mean something. I can’t help but be attached. A few months ago, I thought about sitting down to write a meaningful...
You Wanted More
The same unproductive thoughts over and over and over. This is what the end of senior year is living up to. Politics, unjust jobs at the mall, propaganda, community service, test grades, bullshit. “Where do I fit in all of that?”
..Although I become a little more liberal everyday; I have an irrational fear of change in my own life . I can’t seem to break the surface on anything...
April 2010
1 post
Speed
It’s funny how i only seem to need a blog when my life has gone to shit. It’s kind of like that friend who’s always there and asked for nothing in return. However lately my life has not been shit at all. Ever since the new year I’ve been legit okay. But is the balance tipping? Is that why I’m here? I spent almost the whole week with her, which seems like a horrible...
February 2010
4 posts
"lipstick stains..
I still absolutely refuse to think about the future in terms of who im dating or sleeping with or having a crush or any of that nonsense!
But i don’t think i can define the present better than the note she left on my dresser a few days ago, it actually kind of scares the shit out of me. ..on the front lobe of my left-side brains”
whelmed?
“Dont you worry about a thing” okayokayokay.
Good things happening in my life:
-my dad is getting back to normal!
-i havent had a full week of school since idk when
-musical is getting slightlyslightlyy more interesting
-i hear from sarah lawrence soon!
-even if i have to go to my plan B school, my fincial aid package isnt terrible!
-i made peace with all of the people in my...
Growing up, cont.
This blog has been coming for a long time.
Lots of people have bias against old people, and i think for the most part its because the younger a person is the greater chance of them having a ‘sparkle in their eyes’. Take kids for example, they learn new shit all of the time, their worlds are constantly changing and expanding full of constant curiousity. Their eyes light up when one of...
January 2010
3 posts
avoidance.
Does admitting something make it true? I never liked the concept of asking too many questions, sometimes talking about something ruins it by letting out all elements of surprise. Do we all love the chase? I’m still grumpy about being happy but that too seems so silly when its written down.
I Give!
up! Oh who am i kidding, i barely have enough motivation to open a book let alone explain all of my feelings via blog! :)
December 2009
7 posts
School Night.
I used to ignore music that was blantently not about love. And all of the other song lyrics i used to twist to be a story about lovers. Its part of my lovestorybrain. But lately, I’m noticing songs can be about mothers or friends or siblings or just about anything. Not everything comes down to a romantic relationship. Its a good realization because it lets me be more goal oreinted, it opens...
Oh, I just can't wait..
“I am not young enough to know everything” Maybe, when we’re little we get to a point where we master everything in our lives. We are getting alone fine in school, found someone who will agree to call you their girlfriend or boyfriend, and can handle our family for a few minutes. While being aware the world is a big place, we’re praised as being big girls and boys. We think we can handle...
Parameters.
You’re only as alone as you want to be. It’s funny how many people are out there. So many oppertunities. There are times when they just seem like a mirage in the distance. But times when it seems silly to doubt their exsistence. Your life can be altered by going out for that smoke or accepting that friend request. Whether it be with new experiences or a new state of mind. People are...
humpff.
no new lesbian cute story books until college apps are finished. and thats final.
World Peace
I’ve heard scientists have found gay members in a lot of different species. Theyve explained this by saying they are there to prevent overpopulation. Well, maybe thats me. If I’m not here to procreate, then why do I have to do the whole ‘falling in love’ thing. I think I’ll just take my time elsewhere.
outline
i hate you. i hate you so much. your nose, your pictures, your youness
i want to be on my way to becoming a machine again.
i dont want to hear about how youre not going to find the same kindof whatever again. i dont want to think about relationships at all.
stupid. (edit)
BigMac
But when have you ever really been whelmed?
November 2009
12 posts
These nights in vans...
The feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls I can’t remember the last time I tried to tell myself to hold on To these moments as they pass And it’s one more day up in the canyon And it’s one more night in Hollywood It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean I guess I should …these night in bars..
